A football player is worth what you pay for them, really.  Liverpool once paid £35million for Andy Carroll, whilst Robert Lewandowski joined Bayern Munich for a total of zero euros. Money isn’t real.

Sometimes that’s just how the dice of life fall. Transfermarkt still slap a market value on all your favourite players, though. It’s basically impossible to predict and we have no idea what goes into their algorithm, so we’re not going to try and decipher it.

What we can do is present to you the MLS’s top ten most highly valued footballers in 2024 according to Transfermarkt, and simply hope their little football elves have done their homework. You’re gonna be surprised…

Sebastian Driussi

Driussi is a 28-year-old Argentinian forward who started at River Plate, moved across the world to Zenit St. Petersburg for four years, and is now in his fourth season at Austin FC.

He scored in every other game he plays in like clockwork. We do enjoy when a player finds the level they’re made for and just smash it.  Would you rather score one goal in the Premier League or 45 in MLS…? One to ponder.

Denis Bouanga

The French inside forward is absolutely prolific in MLS. It’s a joke. Last season was his best ever, winning the Golden Boots in both the league and the CONCACAF Champions League, as well as being selected in all of the all-star teams. A man at the peak of his powers.

Talles Magno

Magno was plucked from Vaso de Gama in 2021 as a teenager. He was selected in The Guardian’s ‘Next Generation 2019’ in his first professional season in Brazil, and has since made a name for himself at New York City FC.

When you hear the words Brazilian winger, what do you see? That’s exactly what Magno is — his YouTube compilations are a lot of fun. Elasticos and outrageous first touches abound. Not sure he’s got a European move in him and we think you’ll understand what we mean if you give him a watch, but he’s doing bits for NYCFC right now.

Hugo Cuypers

The Belgian was a bit of a coup for Chicago Fire. He’s only 27, and joined the Fire after an extraordinary goalscoring season in the Belgian top tier with Gent.

We’re genuinely excited to see what he does in MLS — this has gone under the radar on the Eastern side of the Atlantic, but we reckon Cuypers is going to set MLS alight at his appropriately named club.

Hany Mukhtar

Mukhtar is one of those rare beasts — a f*cking prolific number 10. He scored three hattricks in three seasons with Nashville, including the first in the club’s history. Mukhtar was born in Berlin and represented Germany at every age group below the senior national team.

Hany is 29 now, and entering his fifth MLS season, showing no signs of slowing down, and is surely destined to become a Nashville legend: Hany Mukhtar, Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash. In that order.

Riqui Puig

We’re a big fan of Riqui Puig breaking through at Barca, playing bit-part roles, and just f*cking off to America in search of playing team and a change of culture. Don’t see enough of it.

The Galaxy youngsters must love having a La Masia graduate teaching them how to be class.

Cucho Hernandez

You may remember Cucho from his time at Watford, most of which was spent on loan in Spain, admittedly. Feels like he’s been around forever, but he’s still only 24 and eats up goals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner out there in Columbus.

Hernandez is also a full Colombian international, and we wouldn’t be shocked if the big boys come a-knocking at some point. Don’t tell the Crew we said that. We don’t want the Crew knocking on our door.

Facundo Torres

Torres won the Uruguayan Primera Division and was voted into its team of the year two years running in his first two years as a pro, so he thought, ‘Right, well, I’ve done that now.’ And made the switch to Orlando City.

The attacker is a regular for the Uruguayan national team — it’s no surprise to see him valued so highly.

Thiago Almada

Fun fact: Almada is the first active MLS player to win the World Cup. He came on for Alexis Mac Allister in the final group stage game against Poland. He’s also the first active MLS player to score for Argentina.

The attacker has been with Atlanta United since 2022  and has won every newcomer and young player award available to him since joining MLS. He turns 23 any day now, but he has years and years ahead of him, and he’s already won the World Cup. The sky is the limit for Almada, but he’s not quite the most valuable player in MLS because, guess what…

Lionel Messi

Obviously. We refuse to write anything. It’s all already been said. A pointless exercise. Long live the GOAT.